🌙I feel like I’ve always had trouble fitting in. I’ve put on many labels, have been in many different boxes, lived a lot of places, been in several different friend groups.
🌙Although I am so thankful for this accumulation of characteristics & fulfillment I’ve required through stepping into so many different ways of being- it also in, some ways, lead me to a identity crisis!
🌙But as I step towards my truth more & more, I’m starting to really find people that align with my values & that I can fit in with, which has been life changing for me.
[[🌙Although I love the wellness community, I never felt like I could truly fit in because of the white-washed culture & privilege that can happen in those communities. I’m not knocking it necessarily, but I do think it’s hard when you don’t come from money & you see all those girls in fancy yoga clothes, abs, nice cars, and the latest yoga mat. That go on vacations with their families, complain about their dogs, & smart watches, & how much their house costs.
But you still want to do the yoga to heal! And although I’m not alone in this, my experiences in life have been pretty unique & HAS set me apart in a lot of ways. People don’t think about these things because they might not know any better, but even being a part of a Yoga community at all is a privilege that many people can take for granted. There are many people in impoverished communities that will never be able to even get into that level of healing & self awareness because they are just trying to put food on the table & get out survival mode. With different levels of priviledge & life experience, comes a different language. a language that I’ve had trouble honestly resonating with. There’s a bubble that can be created within Toxic Postivity Culture & it’s not something I can personally get down with or relate to. So, I guess that part has always been difficult for me because I really believe in true healing & not this off-brand, diluted version of it that only caters to a certain group of people. It has been difficult to still feel like I can fit in when I often can’t relate to their lives. ]]
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🌙But I’m trying to have the prospective of: WHAT SETS ME APART IS ACTUALLY MY GREATEST GIFT. How can I use my life experiences as a way to actually educate people, speak up about societal issues, & stand in my power when everyone around me doesn’t see what I see?
🌙I used to believe my intense experiences in life; my trauma, my lack of having parents to depend on, my lack of financial literacy, my mental illness, & where I came from-were all things that I needed to hide or shame or repress to make other people comfortable. To fit into this wellness community box. But the things that I was ashamed of are EXACTLY what the wellness community needs to be talking about.
[[🌙I also have my friends that maybe aren’t as “healthy” or within the wellness community, that I just have more relatability on life experience with. That understand why I’m triggered by certain things, why I hide, why I’ve struggled in certain areas in my life. We have a bond because we’ve been in the fucking trenches. But then I had a hard time fitting in with THEM because I was “too self-aware”, “was too good for them”, or they thought I didn’t understand them because I had “moved on” from a certain lifestyle I no longer wanted to live. I no longer had the desire to get into fist fights with people, talk about how depressing my life is without solving the problem, or drink my life away. I no longer had the same language as my old friends. I longer wanted to wait around for the World to save me or fix me. I want to be a better human-regardless of what I’ve been taught & what has been my “normal“ growing up. So, that obviously lead to me feeling like I couldn’t fit in to that group necessarily either.
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🌙Being a Light & also being able to sit with the Darkness, has always made me feel out of place & not really know where I belong.
🌙But I think the more I’ve stepped into like yeah, I CAN be both, knowing that I can hold space for ALL kinds of people, & lifestyles has been a huge lesson in my journey, has been my biggest asset, & actually makes me a great leader.
🌙I thank God for not fitting in & being a weirdo. I thank God that I was able to build resilience & gratitude.
🌙My friend texted me the other day after I told her I was skating on a rooftop watching the sunset & she said-“Bobbi, you have so much beauty & richness in your life” and it makes me cry, even now, as I write this because she’s right. I see the World differently than the “average person”. I feel deeply, I believe in true freedom, I believe in watching sunsets, skateboarding, & doing whatever the hell you want, because I had such a lack of beauty & freedom in my past life. I feel FULL & crazy & beautiful & thankful to have such a wide spectrum of life before the young age of 30.
