The dream was always that he would change. That he would somehow wake up to his own fantasy, or that I would wake up to my own. That he wouldn't be disappointed in my imperfections anymore. That this time and the time after that, would be THE time he would change-stop controlling me, putting me down, and essentially dehumanizing me when he needed to boost his own self worth.
Of course, the love story didn't start off that way. The tragedy of being in love with a narcissist, especially a covert narcissist, is the sheer polarity of life you experience with them.
When I first laid eyes on him, I innantely KNEW that I was being pulled towards something-something exciting, intense, a new love. I thought I had somehow won the lottery. It was love at first sight! There was just something about him that I couldn't resist. His glare intoxicated me in a way that I couldn't explain. He was charming, dreamt big, and had this poise about him.
Things got complicated very quickly- I had a boyfriend. A shitty boyfriend, but still a boyfriend. I had just moved into a town where I didn't know anyone. And he was my boss. He started sending me flirtacious texts, which turned into play-fighting at work, and then somehow turned into a full-blown in-too-deep love affair. He sent me countless love letters explaining all the reasons why we belonged together. That I was perfect. That he was the answer to all of problems with my alcoholic boyfriend and all of my past trauma.
I couldn't see the red flags. Because of my trauma and lack of self worth, it genuienly seemed like he cared. He asked about my life, my family, my dreams, my past. He was quick to be open with me about his own family problems and anxieties. I was impressed with his seemingly emotionally intelligent personality. (Covert narcs are geniuses at faking empathy). He even cried the second time we hung out together. Everything moved really, really fast and I felt like I was high when I was with him.
As things got worse at home, I became more and more desperate for a way out. So, I took the leap and decided to leave the alcoholic for the love affair. He said he would take care of me, that I would finally be able to be comfortable and safe. and yeah, at first, it was great. We went on elaborate vacations and camping trips. He made me feel like the most special girl in the World. All the compliments, hyper attention to me, gifts, the works. I met all of his friends, helped him with all of the events he ran, and really admired his passion for community-or so I thought. Now I know this phase is called love-bombing.
As time went on, I started to pick up on his micro-agressions towards others. He would cruelly gossip about someone and tell me all the justified reasons why they were a horrible person, or in his favorite word to use 'a bitch" and then do a complete 180 when talking to them. It was honestly so startling and I knew as soon as they left the room, it would turn into a gossip session that I didn't want to be a part of.
Soon enough, I became the prime source of his passive agressiveness. It was like a switch flipped that I wasn't warned about.
He kept sex from me because the dishes wern't spotless. Countless times he scolded me for not living up to expectations as a partner that he had no intention of being himself. A few months in, his disinterest became crystal clear. When I brought it up, he made countless excuses that he was too busy to pay attention to me or that I was being too needy. He stopped saying goodbye when he left for work. He stopped kissing me. And he blamed me, and never took accountability for any of it. It was because of MY flaws that our relationship was failing. And I took it. I took his truth for THE truth.
I thought if I was just skinnier, more submissive, smarter, and less of a mess, he would eventually show me the love that I felt in the beginning.
The really disturbing thing about a narcissist, like I mentioned before, is the polarity. The Jekyll and Hyde effect. As I grew into more of a shell of myself, his career and community status grew. He started to join more boards, gained popularity, and weaseled his way into media. I saw him pour thousands of dollars in community projects and I couldn't even get him to buy me a birthday present. Everything was a show and every move he made was with the idea of other people knowing about his 'generousity'. It was confusing, humiliating, and I felt like no one would believe me if I told them of the emotional abuse I was experiencing.
He used words to describe himself like "feminist" while in the public eye. He would attend women's rights events. He eventually went on to work for a non profit. Then he would turn around and actually BLAME me when I was sexually harassed. He would comment on my shorts being too short and that 'I was just trying to get attention'. And In his words "you did this to yourself" when I had to walk home from a friends house late at night because I was just sexually assaulted.
You know how in the beginning he seemed totally into my traumas and past? Yeah, it was actually a tactic he used in order to eventually manipulate me. He knew EXACTLY what to say to trigger me.
He started to make fun of people that had similar qualities to me. Making fun of the scent of people because they were "hippies", saying he didn't date a girl because she was too fat when I was insecure about my body, saying someone wasn't a hard worker because they were too aloof when I was told over and over again that I was aloof. (Now I know that is actually just trauma brain). Saying things like "you're just like your mother" when we are in a middle of argument but in fact has never met my mother and knew that I had a fear of being like her. He knew that I cared about working hard, so called me lazy. He talked to me like I was incapable, a burden on his life, and talked down to me like a child.
And then the gaslighting came. We started getting in these circular arguments. He would say something completely out of line and then say that he didn't just say that. He would twist my memory so much that I really started to question my sanity. He would lie about past behaviors, like women he was with, and mistakes he made. He even started taking my creative ideas and say they were HIS. And because of the shame and hiding the relationship caused me, I didn't have the courage to make my own ideas a reality yet. It was truly maddening.
I could make this story very long. Maybe one day I'll write a book. But I'll try to fast forward a bit to my addiction to him, or I should say, the idea of him. Two years ago, I decided to finally leave him. I moved out, moved in a house with two other women, and completely freelanced all of my work. And despite all of my fear of not being able to financially or emotionally survive without him, I made it fucking work. I started painting, selling my graphics, started a band and got paid to live my dream. I took a yoga teacher training, I had ongoing massage therapy clients. My life opened up in a way that I didn't know was possible because I left him.
>>>But as soon as things got really good for me, he knew. He started stalking me. Showing up at places I was doing shows at, asking about me to our friends. He pulled me right back in to his bullshit. Things didn't work out with the other girls he pursued (aka they had too much self-worth to fall for his bullshit) so he wanted to try things out with me again. This time he wanted to marry me. Have babies with me. Said whatever he thought I wanted to hear. We were going to go on a Valentines Date and then he never showed because "he fell asleep". (Another tactic they use is not showing up to obligations as a power play). He promised to spend every day with me and it never happened because of the endless amount of justifications. He strung me along by a very thin thread. Gave me tiny breadcrumbs of hope that he finally loved me enough and I was so desperate for his approval, that I took them. I took the breadcrumbs. And then the abuse would start all over again. I now know there is actually science behind these narcissist patterns. Love bombing, discarding, breadcrumbing, and then the cycle begins again. And the victim's brain actually becomes addicted to the highs and lows of the relationship.
A year went by going back and forth with him and then COVID hit. When the quarantine first started, I was hanging out with my best guy friend. The World was in chaos and it immediately forced everyone to wake the hell up. I realized the people who I actually felt safe around. And it sure wasn't the narc. As much I fantasized about being with him again, it became strikingly clear to me that it would be torture to have to be quarentined with him. As much as my brain wanted him, my intuition knew the truth. Even if I couldn't name it yet. Even without the endless research I've done on narcissism now, my heart screamed DONT GO BACK.
I found a new love. My best friend. Someone I could feel trust in. Who I felt seen and heard with. Who had similar interests, let me have space to be myself, and always pushed me towards the light. That leads with heart and sees the good in people. Who is also a teacher, a lover, and an empath. Quarentine with him felt magical and more importantly, SAFE. I no longer felt scrutiny or a smaller version of myself.
But like clock work, my ex sent me pages and pages of love letters explaining why we belong together as soon as I made my new relationship public. While simantanelously trying to instill guilt upon me about moving on. I wasn't allowed to move on. I was betraying our "special bond" we had. He promised me more love letters, that he truly changed his ways, and all the blah blah blahs. And there was this secret part of me, that still wanted his attention. The sick part of me. Internally I didn't truly believe I deserved a real, loving relationship.
So, no surprise, I caved. I self-sabotaged. I hurt someone that actually held their heart out for me. I found myself right back into my exes arms after he messaged me relentlessly. He knew exactly what to say to have me hooked. And then I left his house shivering, ashamed, and in tears. WHY did I feel so attached to someone that had no interest in my best interest? That only put in effort when there was competition or felt me slipping away? Even after all of the trainings, yoga classes, workshops, and self-help books, I found my shadow taking over me. I couldn't stop. I found myself addicted to the rush I felt in the beginning of our first love affair. The secret, the beating of my heart before I walked up his stairs to his apartment that used to be ours. I confused that feeling for love.
>>> And the shame after. I tried dismissing it. I tried acting like this was just my path. I was just destined to be like my cheating father. There must just be something broken in me. I couldn't stop hurting my partner. I didn't see it as an addiction.
But this isn't a story of defeat or feeling sorry for myself. Through education, I was able to completely shift my life.
There was a time I went out to see him at a bar in secret, and he cornered me and physically assaulted me. He knew that I couldn't say anything because I wasn't supposed to be there with him. He picked up the chair I sat in and aggressively pushed it towards him. He spat at me. Kicked me in the face and stomped on my feet. In public. He humiliated me. And when I confronted him about it the next day, he made it about himself and gave a fake apology. The "I said sorry, okay?! Jesus I'm the one that's embarrassed here." This wasn't the first time he had assaulted me. I just justified it with "he was drunk". He also blamed me for his aggressive behavior saying "that he had never done it to anyone else before. I just brought that out in him' etc etc.
This was the last time I took his false apology as truth.
>>>A few days later, I miraculously fell upon a video on YouTube that was about narcissistic abuse. It flipped me on my head. I was no longer blind to the bullshit. I had an answer to all of my fucked up WHYS. My perception of him shifted from someone that could eventually be changed if I was enough, to he will probably never change and it isn't my fault. With finding out more and more about his personality defect (IMO), I became more and more frightened, honestly. He didn't actually care about me at all. I was just his narcissist supply- to keep his self esteem regulated. He wasn't experiencing the deep SHAME and GUILT I was experiencing. He doesn't have the empathy or capacity to look inward and work on himself. He is driven by ego. It so mind-blowing for some people to wrap their heads around, that society wants to believe that narcissism doesn't actually exist. Or the charming personality is romantisized in our society. There just isn't enough education out there yet on these personality types and/or disorder. We have been taught to "give people the benefit of the doubt" and emotional abuse goes unnoticed. Women all over the World are seen as "crazy" for the confusing and complex reality that the narcisstic abuse brings.
I'm not saying I am perfect. I take complete accountablity in my part in everything. I did not have the tools to see the red flags. I also see my own selfish, destructive qualities. I have since admitted to cheating and my codependency issues. I since then have dedicated pretty every waking minute to healing myself and my relationships. I am dedicated to the shadow work, inner child work, therapy, and medication for my PTSD. I'm dedicated to sharing my story in hopes to help anyone else struggling. My life's work is to do everything I can to educate and inspire women. I am turning my pain into purpose. And above all else, learning to have radical self-love, flaws and all. I am dropping my shame.
That all being said, here is my first blog. Here is just a short glimpse into my work. I am not a professional writer. I don't have a college degree in Psychology. Everything I will be sharing is from my own inner wisdom, my trainings, and self-studies. I will continue to put sources out there that have helped me along the way.
>>>I can't wait to share more with you.
-Bobbi 💖💖