I knew that I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I knew I actually barely knew the guy, well at least, sober. This was how the story always begun.
I met him in the Summer of 2017. I had been on a quest to dive Into the Unknown (as I do) and just see what happens. I guess I’ve always been attracted to danger and change, and if I don’t go out seeking it myself, it always seems to find me.
I found myself completely enthralled, head over heals, sick to my stomach kind of love. I was infactuated, and I was fully aware of it. Being around him felt fun, free, exciting. We‘d take eight shots of rum and then down to the shore of the Wyoming rivers we went. Laying in the sand, rolling around aimlessly, completely in a bubble. He was older, cooler.
The problem was, I had a boyfriend that I was already there with. That in retrospect, I actually didn’t like that much, but I digress. The more he tried to control me, the more I fell for A.
So, B and I called it quits when he caught on to As and I bullshit and raged, understandably. Although we never actually even kissed, the chemistry was there so, alas, the rumors went flying. That all being said, the drama became too much for me to bare and I ended up having to leave Wyoming too soon, with no plan.
When I finally arrived at a plan, through relentless worry, it all came crashing down very quickly. My God Mother had promised a place for me to stay if I flew back home to Delaware. So with the last earnings I had, that’s what I did. Booking the cheapest flight I could find, I had two layovers and it took two days to get home. But on the way home, my father called me to inform me that my God Mother changed her mind. Her husband was worried that I’d be bringing too many boys home, and he was probably right. So, from couch to couch I went. Until the night A called me from Wyoming and told me that I could come live with him in his hometown-York, PA. In no time, I was back into his arms. I was on the train to York, Pennsylvania.…and quickly, it got awkward.
And then it got sad. And then it got enraged. And then it got poisoned with alcohol and drugs and sleepless nights, and him being so drunk that I thought he might be dead, to me cheating like I always did.
I really could have not understood the gravity of what came next in my life. How my decisions, my destruction, has left me here right now, back on a friends couch, sobbing because God has given me Mercy. Time and time again. How my shadow that has followed me for too long, has actually been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And for me. How God always forgives, will find a way, and show me the love that I was looking for in all the dark spaces-in the bottles, the men who couldn’t love me, and who I couldn’t possibly love back, to the inhales of cigarettes, and shitty bosses. In traveling recklessly. All I was trying to do was find true connection. I just didn’t know how yet.
To be continued…
